Tag Archive | "signs of the Zodiac"

My Stars! The Zodiac is Gone!!

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Have the traditional horoscope signs gone the way of hula hoops and bellbottom jeans?  They have, if you believe the calculations of our current crop of astronomers.   These men and women of science have now determined that the shift in the Earth’s axis, occurring over the three millennia since the Zodiac was first established, has resulted in a shift in natal signs.  Moreover, the transformation has given birth to a new, thirteenth sign know as Ophiuchus.  Pronounce that name slowly, phonetically, and I think you’ll find a message there.  “Ffffffewwww!” denotes something that reeks like a fish reeled in three days ago!

Not long ago, these self-same astronomers downgraded one of my ruling planets — Pluto — to an asteroid.  But since the ancient God of War (Mars) still governs my other heavenly sphere, I wasn’t intimidated in the least for having lost Pluto.  I never really lost him, you see; I simply refused to give him up.  And I’m not relinquishing my birth sign, either, just because some scientist who doesn’t know me from Eve says I have to.   Here, you see, is how the new, 2011 Zodiac breaks down:

Capricorn – January 20th – February 16th
Aquarius – February 16th – March 11th
Pisces – March 11th – April 18th
Aries – April 18th – May 13th
Taurus – May 13th – June 21st
Gemini – June 21st – July 20th
Cancer – July 20th – August 10th
Leo – August 10th – September 16th
Virgo – September 16th – October 30th
Libra – October 30th – November 23rd
Scorpio – November 23rd – November 29th
Ophiuchus (the new kid on the block) – Nov 29th to December 17th
Sagittarius – December 17th – January 20th

One could suffer an identity crisis, if one were not secure in the knowledge that one’s natal sign has, indeed, remained intact.  I can’t speak for anyone else, but before the rest of you go running around breaking off relationships, for instance, because science has brainwashed you into thinking that you’re no longer compatible with a person of a certain sign, consider my own evidence to the contrary.

I was born on Halloween.  October 31st is that mystical and magical day upon which the veil between the living and the dead has long thought to hang at it’s thinnest.  This day dovetails perfectly with the so-called dark sign of Scorpio, whose entire raison d’etre is major transformation (birth and death).

According to the new Zodiac, I am now a Libra.  The hell I am!  I like being a Scorpio!  I relish the reactions I get when people ask me my sign, for Shakespeare was right when he said that the eyes are the windows of the soul.  The puzzlement is written clearly on the faces of the inquisitive.  I watch with perverse delight as they try to figure out if the myths are not myths at all.

They wonder if I’m really, truly the sexiest thing in the Zodiac behind closed doors, or the vindictive bitch that I’m predisposed to be, due to my birth sign.  Y’all will die pondering the answer to the first question … unless you happen to get very, very lucky.  A Scorpio is the most discreet sign of all.  She never kisses and tells.  In fact, confide to her a deep, dark secret and she’ll die with it.

Unless you cross her, that is.  Then her celebrated penchant for vengeance will kick in, when you least expect it.  Do me dirty or hurt someone I love and/or respect, and you’d best sleep with one eye open.  Like the woman in the old Billy Joel song, I’ll carelessly cut you and laugh while you’re bleeding.  But the execution won’t be careless.  The fatal blow will be well plotted and exquisitely timed to strike when you are at your most vulnerable.  After all, where’s the sting in revenge … or the fun … if it’s not expertly timed?

I am most definitely not a Libra.  Libras don’t have the stomach for this sort of thing.  They’re too busy blowing kisses to themselves in the mirror (all right, so they are the most gorgeous things in the Zodiac) and sniffing out their next conquests … who must measure up by being just as beautiful as they are, if not more so.  And they’re too busy trying to play fair with everyone, seeing both sides of an issue and making decisions accordingly.  Which is a dichotomy, of course, given that perspective.  No wonder their golden scales are always out of balance.

By contrast, Scorpio’s focus is intense and unwavering.  I always get my man, one way or another.  Without ever landing a blow, I have waylaid would-be several would-be muggers and mashers on the streets and subways of The Big Apple.  I did it with my stiletto tongue and withering Scorpio gaze.

A good friend of mine was born an Aries and is now a Pisces according to the new system (a truly cosmic joke, if you knew her and know anything at all about dreamy Pisces).  Aries folk are born leaders; they are not wishy-washy or easily intimated.  And yet, my friend once wrote a rather lengthy treatise about me once, admitting that she could see how some people could be terrified of me, despite my diminutive stature.  I took her words as the highest praise!  And she appreciates our friendship, for she understands the fierce loyalty that a Scorpio demonstrates for her kin, blood or not.

I can’t be a Libra; no way.  Libras are known for their natural grace.  I trip over my own two feet.

Libra women are ultra feminine, drawing men to them effortlessly, like the Sirens of mythology drew sailors to their deaths.  Me?  I was the tomboy the teacher was always pulling out of the boys’ corner of the room during recess.  Of what use were Betsy Wetsy dolls to me, or Easy Bake ovens, when I could build and destroy entire cities of Legos?  Or have my T-Rex go toe to toe with one of the boys’ Allosaurus and eat it alive?

Nope.  I’m a Scorpio, all right, and so I’ll remain one until the day I die.  Even if the scientists decide to play fast and loose with the planets again.


This article was meant to make our readers think and smile.  It was not the author’s intent to insult any Zodiac sign, only the anal-minded scientists.  But if you think you’ve been insulted, we encourage you to leave a comment below.  Our web administrator will be happy to track your IP address.  I have him in my pinchers; he’ll have to give you up, you see.  Just remember to sleep with one eye open! 🙂 



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