Letting each other have a little space is an important ingredient in the recipe of any successful relationship, particularly those of the romantic and/or spousal variety.  Some people just don’t grasp this simple concept, so eloquently phrased as the old adage, “Familiarity breeds contempt.”   Technology has now made familiarity a lot more widespread, in the form of constant text messaging, IM’s, PM’s, emails, and cell phones messages.  Even if one half of a couple manages to escape for a few hours, she never really escapes when technology, driven by a jealous, neurotic, or plain ol’ demanding significant other drives it. 

Personally, I enjoy a little downtime when my husband “loosens up the reins.”  I like to go out on my own at times and browse around the malls to my hearts content without interruptions from my bored to tears husband.  After all, women are gatherers, and therefore, must gather merchandise unto ourselves!   Before we tied the knot, my husband and I used to enjoy more time to ourselves.  We also opened our lives to include other people more frequently than we do now.  Although our marriage is secure, it’s good to know that we can each function independently and through that independence, follow safe and enjoyable pursuits.   A little alone time is good for the soul; no one wants to feel like a mouse cornered by a big, salivating cat.

Love and trust must exist in order to sustain a compatible partnership.   On occasion, I have heard some women tittering, saying, “If my man does not straighten up, I will just cut him off in the bedroom!”  Maybe this tactic empowers some women, but in my estimation, it is just borrowing trouble.  Truly, my mental image of situation is laughable, since I don’t understand how or why some men allow themselves be led about as if they are sporting a ring through their nose, or perhaps more accurately, another body part.   I guess some men really do think with their nether regions.   My husband would get a kick out of these withholding tactics; he himself would proceed to just hold out!

But why hold out when it is so much more pleasant to simply enjoy the benefits of time spent apart from each other?  One major advantage is that, when you reunite, there is more excitement in seeing each other.  You bring new experiences into the relationship by sharing your day with the one who was not there firsthand.  Without these new experiences, it is easy to become bored with each other.

If you constantly question your partner about his or her whereabouts, you are setting the stage for jealousy to rear its ugly head.  Fights ensue.  And arguments are never healthy for a relationship if they are driven by one’s need to dominate the other.

Every man and woman in a loving relationship needs a day or night out on the town once in awhile, even if it is just to enjoy lunch with friends, see a movie, or browse the shops in the mall.  The sanctity of a good relationship should not be destroyed by a spouse’s fear and anger engendered by a brief separation from his or her partner.

Being insecure is detrimental to marital or any other type of relational bliss that relies upon trust.   No one wants to feel as if they are prisoners in a relationship.  If one person feels trapped, he or she will often turn to dishonesty for a little respite.  Others will turn to manipulation, misusing the concept of “love” to get their way.   As the Bible says, “Love is not selfish.”   Love does not utilize subterfuge or exploitation; it does not track down the other person as if they are prey to be hunted.  Every sane human being requires his or her own space every now and then.  If you are guilty of smothering you partner, beware, for your conduct may backfire in the worst possible way.  You may wind up killing the relationship for good and finding yourself alone permanently, not just for a few days or an evening. 

Why do we have on again-off again relationships?  We break up only to make up:  it truly is a game for fools!  Is it because we just can’t seem to dissociate from this person or is it something about that person that is just comfortable and natural?  Have you ever found yourself in an on again-off again relationship, going back and forth and back and forth with the same person?  For those of you that can’t relate, you may only with difficulty be able to comprehend this type of thing.  Surely, you are asking yourself why some of your friends keep going back to that same guy?  However, for those of you, like me, that have gone through this kind of love rollercoaster, undoubtedly you can relate!

So let’s face it, breaking up is never a happy situation.  In fact, it normally sends us girls running to the tissue box, pulling out old sappy movies while burying our head in a tub of ice cream.  Life pretty much becomes a 24 hour-7 day a week pity party thrown by us!  We feel hopeless, lost, confused, and just plain sad!  So why would a break up ever be a good thing for a relationship?  Well, that’s where the making up part comes in.

It always seems that just when we are starting to recover from a break up and are just about to reach the “moving on” point is when we revert back to what’s comfortable – the old relationship.  No matter what the reason is for “relationship take 2 or 3,” we fall right back into what was natural for us before.  We begin to justify to ourselves and each other why this 2^nd or 3^rd chance is a good idea.  Maybe, it was because we were lonely, or maybe, a few bad dates made us feel like we made a mistake leaving the old relationship behind.

Whatever the case may be, the good part of breaking up (if you even want to call any part of breaking up “good”) would be the making up.  This is the time when you both express how much you have missed each other and apologize to each other endlessly.  In addition, it is likely that you both are making empty promises of “never letting another break up happen again!”  Who doesn’t love this kind of raw emotion and the passion of it all behind a dramatic reunion between two ex lovers?!  We thrive off of it…but what is missing that keeps us repeating this vicious cycle?

I suggest that now is the time that you take a serious step back from your situation and reevaluate.  No matter what this relationship brings you, something has got to give.  You have to build up the courage to get yourself out of the rut with the intention that history should not repeat itself.  If your relationship is truly going nowhere, open yourself to the possibilities of life and other relationships.  Perhaps, realizing that a piece of the puzzle is missing, even after all the times you both have tried, will help you both make that move ahead.  Clearly, all of the break ups have shown that you are not on the same page.  Allow each other the time and space needed to discover whatever it is that you are seeking and find peace in your decision to break free. 

Maybe I don’t have all the answers or the answer for which you are searching, but I have been through this kind of relationship and it’s not easy to walk away, especially when your heart is involved.  However, there comes a point in this kind of relationship when you just have to realize this is best for both parties involved and you just have to let go.  You never know – it may lead you back to each other with a new perspective you hadn’t had before and put you both on the same page for the first time.  It could also lead you both to new people and the lives you were each seeking in your on again-off again relationship.  Either way, do what is best for you and don’t be afraid of change.  Sometimes, life has a weird way of teaching us lessons, but you have to be open to them to see the result.  Allow time to heal you both, and change to come your way.  Then maybe, just maybe, you will find what you were looking for all along.