Marked by a somewhat dysfunctional childhood, my father was a pretty stoic fellow. As the son of an alcoholic who died in an accident, and one of the oldest in a large family, my dad was compelled to look after his younger siblings. This responsibility left him little time to pursue his own career aspirations. When my grandmother remarried, he did not form much of a relationship with his stepfather.
My father’s upbringing might explain his inability to give his own children the type of encouragement that every child craves. Before we even made an attempt to do something, he saw our failures. Maybe he was just trying to save us the same heartaches that I am sure he endured as a young man. However, if we pressed forward to overcome obstacles and achieve our goals, my dad was not above bragging about us profusely.
Despite this support, he never really told us that he loved us in words; he expressed his feelings in other ways. Sound sleep eluded him unless my siblings and I were all home, tucked safely into our beds. When we were sick, he worried about us, showering us with little luxuries like ice cream and ginger ale and asking frequently if we were feeling better. If he feared we were ever in harm’s way, he became fiercely protective. He told us all that we were welcome to stay in the family home, if we wished, upon graduating from high school. In return, the only things he asked were that we maintain steady jobs, return home for the night at a reasonable hour, and act as law-abiding citizens. We knew that he loved us even though he could not put his feelings into words. Still, we would have loved to have heard him tell us.
Thank God for our mom. A dreamer who thought anything was possible, she tried to help us in our pursuits, but was limited financially as we were a large middle class family. Usually, we had to work to supplement whatever resources our parents could provide. My mother felt that if you aspired to accomplish something, you should at least try, and she was right. Regret for things left undone can be difficult to live with, and is often a result of unsupportive upbringing.
The way that parents treat their children impacts them for the rest of their lives. Beyond the safety of their front doors lies a cold, cruel world. Children are like seeds sown into the ground. In order to flourish, they need more than food and water; they need liberal doses of emotional nutrients to boost their growth; they need parent-advocates to pave the paths to their futures. To create productive lives, they require confidence. For instance, I used to be very shy. The inability to speak up and act upon my wishes limited my choices and outcomes; it held me back from many opportunities because I was afraid of failure. Employment in a customer-oriented environment has helped me to overcome my reticence. Now, the enjoyment of talking to people is second nature to me. In fact, my husband claims that I can no longer be quiet!
It took me some time to understand that each of us is born with, or develops, our own unique talents. After graduating from high school, I fell into a low-level job that did not make me very happy. I plodded along until my sister gave me the courage and impetus to strike out beyond my comfort zone. She welcomed me into her home, to live with her in a new State where jobs were plentiful and easily accessible.
Driving was another issue for me. Never comfortable imagining myself behind the wheel, I got my license late in life. My sister encouraged me, telling me, “You’ve got to do to this, or you will never achieve independence.” With her gentle nudging, I took a few extra driving classes to boost my confidence. Nevertheless, while taking the actual test, I kept thinking, “I’m screwing up; I’m going to fail.” But with concentration, I passed! When I held my license in my hand for the first time, I was so exhilarated. Now I cannot imagine what my life would be like without this freedom.
My sister’s faith really made a difference in my life, as did my mother’s support. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve called my mom just to talk with her. She seemed happy when I got married and gained more stability in my life; now that she is gone from this world, I miss her terribly. Just to be able to speak with my family members has helped me to see issues more clearly. Whether or not they agreed completely with all of my choices was irrelevant. Just knowing that they were on my side no matter what was a big boon to me.
I believe this to be a universal truth: when our self-esteem is elevated, we feel invincible, ready to take on the world. Like superheroes, we are empowered to take the bull by the horns and accomplish the things that really matter to us. Without words of love and encouragement, without family who is always in our corner, we cannot grasp the confidence that propels us forward and enables us to confront challenge.
Psychologists can attest that children tend to mimic the behavior of their parents. If we are not raised with a strong sense of self-worth, we will repeat this pattern with our own children and grandchildren.
So, to honor the children in your life, think twice before you tell them how stupid they are for wanting something you are not sure they can handle. Kids are pretty smart at figuring out for themselves that they aren’t cut out for a particular sport or subject in school. Give them a chance to discover themselves. Commend your children for trying. Praise them for being their own individuals, instead of the cookies popped out of the mold that society seems to relish.
