The choice between entering into marriage and remaining unfettered is one of the most serious decisions we will ever make.  While both the heart and the intellect play a role in such decisions, so does another physiological component: hormones.

At the mercy of testosterone, from time immemorial, men have embraced the sport of bed hopping as a rite of passage.  Despite the advent of AIDS and anti-premarital sex campaigns by the Moral Majority, our society still deems it appropriate for men to sow their wild oats before taking marriage vows.  And while some guys like to romp with “loose women” before waltzing down the aisle, their qualifications for wives usually involve less colorful reputations.

By contrast, women who engage in player’s exploits still suffer a stigma.   Our vernacular bears evidence of this: is there a male equivalent for the term “slut,” “skank,” or the currently popular “ho?”  No!  “Don Juan,” the closest male equivalent term carries more than a tad of admiration for the notches on a man’s belt.   Why are women singled out for sexual sainthood and men, not?

Regardless of gender, anyone contemplating marriage vows wonders about sexual compatibility with their intended.   In my eyes, women should enjoy the same rights as men, provided they protect themselves against STD’s (Sexually Transmitted Diseases) and broken hearts.  Plenty of women read commitment into the act of lovemaking.  But sex, to many men, is what a candy bar is to a child: a form of instant gratification.

By contrast, the leap beyond a purely sexual relationship is a huge step.   Maturity and the willingness to “forsake all others” are key factors in the decision to marry.  One never really knows what to expect of married life until after the vows are taken, but there are usually signposts along the way to the altar.  A successful marriage is based, in part, upon the courage and stamina to withstand difficult and other inevitable situations.  These include illness, loss of jobs, the necessity to purchase and maintain a house, the burden of raising children, and the decision to pull up roots and move to a new city for the benefit of the family.  And let’s not forget the age-old conundrum of dealing with the in-laws!  As Bill Cosby once said, “For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.”

To weather these situations, husbands and wives need to maintain frequent, honest, and respectful communication.  Marriage is not just fireworks in the bedroom; it’s the mundane, daily grind as well as emergencies. To prevent love from taking a permanent vacation, both spouses must confront and discuss, in an adult manner, a myriad of issues. Making time for each other is another important factor, for as Robert Dodd postulated, “The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together.”

Marriage is not for everyone. Some people simply enjoy their independence too much to be tied down.   While loneliness is the flip side of this coin, there are advantages to this life style.  These include a sense of accomplishment in supporting oneself, not having to answer to another person, and operating on one’s own schedule.  If the single person is in a relationship and needs to extricate himself or herself from the situation, it’s much easier to do than to go through the process of divorce, which can be lengthy and costly.

Lack of in-laws is another advantage to single life.   Single folks don’t have to adapt to another family’s traditions or peccadilloes, including the perception that the new family member is “not good enough.”  This includes the dreaded Mama’s Boy Syndrome.  It’s a natural and positive thing for a man to be close to his mother, but a guy can go too far in this respect, and so can his mother.  Even the Bible says that, upon marriage, a man shall leave his mother and cleave to his wife.  I think this is good advice.  If a man makes the decision to establish his own family, then it should be his own.  His wife acts as a decision-maker in that family, not the woman who gave birth to him.

Those of us who contemplate marriage can project a fantasy of a neat and orderly home, and a neat and orderly relationship, complete with the white picket fence and 2.3 children.  In my experience, this is particularly true of women.  Some rush into marriage because we fear losing our looks as we age, or fear not being able to have children: factors that can narrow down the choice of potential mates.  Unfortunately, women running scared have yet to understand that, as time goes on in a marriage, one’s looks take a backseat to the genuine emotional support that we get from our husbands.   

Married or single, one thing never changes: life is not always a bowl of cherries.  For those of us who have chosen marriage, I would like to share a poem that I came across, whose author, unfortunately, is unknown.

Recipe for a Happy Marriage

Mix one cup of overflowing love with faith in God and each other.

Never let bitter spirits brew overnight.

Sweeten with laughter and understanding.

Add daily prayer to hold these ingredients together.

Sift with respect and work towards a common dream.

Sprinkle generously with hugs and kisses.

Serve daily with a loving heart.

YIELD: Serves one happy marriage 

The word “vacation” is synonymous with escape and freedom; it smacks of leaving our jobs and other stress-inducers in the dust.  In wringing the most from our few prized days of vacation, we are faced with the choice of enjoying them with our families or going it alone, including the issues that both scenarios present.

For example, if you opt for sanity far removed from Disney World, Hershey Park, or other kid-friendly vacation spots, you must entrust your children to the care of a responsible adult.  Good luck to you in finding such an individual (you would have enough trouble finding people to watch your pets when out of town).

If you are married, your options are a bit stickier because of the assumption that lovebirds always vacation together.  Because I myself am directionally challenged, it’s pretty much a given that my husband will tag along on any long distance adventures.  In reality, there are times when I would prefer to imitate the late actress Veronica Lake by deadpanning, “I want to be alone.”

Solo jaunts would be free of the nagging about when and where I will spend our family’s money or whom I plan to visit.  Returning alone to my hometown would be especially delightful as I could revisit my old haunts in peace. This would include reconnecting with people from my past without incurring an Inquisition conducted by my significant other who, in reality, has no grounds for jealousy.

A vacation away from the spouse would mean that I could roll out of bed at leisure and not have to cook breakfast (that’s why God invented McDonald’s). I could make my own choices about my daily excursions.  On vacation, I like creating little adventures such as exploring a cave, visiting the zoo, or spending some enjoyable time in a museum.  It would be easier to do these things on my own; like most married couples, my husband and I do not always see eye to eye on our vacation jaunts.

On the other hand, a joint vacation can and often has been a wonderful bonding experience.  Setting off with my husband makes it seem as if we are embarking upon a second honeymoon, blending romance with fun.

Taking separate vacations may seem a bit unorthodox, but sometimes, there is truth in the adage, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”  Partners do not always necessarily share the same interests.  Being married does not automatically mean that you agree on what constitutes fun.  Hiking, hunting, fishing, golfing, or just being a potato on your own couch will appeal to some people, but not everyone.  Others may prefer the beach, swimming, skydiving, or following a beloved musician for a certain leg of a concert tour.  If one person is not interested in what the other chooses, the vacation is pretty much pointless if the other half of the couple is unhappy.

Before setting out on a trek all by your lonesome, you may wish to consider this advice:

1. Your marriage must be strong enough to weather a temporary separation; your partner must trust you totally and vice versa.  Communication, caring, and compromise are key. 
2. Discuss things with your partner to ensure that separate vacations do not put you in a financial bind.
3. If you love your mate, don’t put yourself in a situation where an infidelity might occur.  Enjoy yourself with good friends who will be protective of you, and stay sober while doing so.
4. Reach out frequently to your spouse while you are away. In other words, show your significant other some consideration.

Whether or not you vacation separately, be sure to have a safe trip and a good time.

The decision to place a wedding band on your finger is a very personal choice.  Although the wedding band is a universal symbol, the meaning behind that symbol varies from individual to individual and from couple to couple.  Down through the ages, wedding rings have been symbols of commitment and undying love.  Worn on the third finger of the left hand (excluding the thumb), its placement is significant as the artery leading to that finger links directly to the heart.   And the circle itself signifies a beginning with no end.

Ancient Egyptians believed that the wedding band suggested the joining of two halves, creating a hole in the center which itself denoted the gateway into the future.  Some couples, however, never have much of a future, for they interpret the traditional marriage contract in a totally new light.  Why do some people choose the act of marriage when their heart is not really in it?  How does the sanctity of their vows become defiled and twisted for other purposes?

For example, what is the true benefit of an open marriage?  I find the very term an oxymoron.  Why get married at all if you wish to engage in sexual acts with others, and allow your spouse to do the same?  Such a perspective, within the bonds of matrimony, tells me that neither party has a modicum of respect for the other.  Sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancies are but the most obvious drawbacks to an open marriage.  Diminished self esteem, jealous rages, and even dwindling bank accounts number among the side effects (imagine the financial impact of having to impress a new mate?).  Worst of all, the intimacy between husband and wife must be shattered when the relationship expands to include a third person or even multiple bed partners.

Partnering with someone for no reason other than to merge your cumulative assets is also a poor excuse for entering into marriage.  Blue bloods who wish their families to remain in elite social circles enjoy the idea of maintaining their financial status within the community and living the life of the rich and/or famous.  On the surface of things, the couple who has everything may appear to be happy.  But are they, really?  If people marry for money rather than love, I would think that both parties must feel lonely and used.  Where love might have thrived, there is nothing but a hole that can never be filled.

“Lavender marriages” occur when two people of different sexual orientations take wedding vows together.   The primary reason for this choice is to disguise gay and lesbian preferences and thus maneuver more easily within the community-at-large. The heartthrob of the ’20′s silent films, Rudolph Valentino, was purported to have entered into this type of marriage.  During Valentino’s heyday, homosexuality was not as accepted as it today; anyone living under Hollywood’s exacting microscope had to protect his or her reputation and thus ensure the longevity of his/her career.  Although we may seem to have come a long way socially since the Roaring Twenties, there remains much conflict over the legalization of same-sex marriages.   As long as societal taboos remain against unions perceived to be unnatural, we will continue to have loveless “lavender marriages.”

Then, of course, there are those who want younger, hipper, prettier, or more handsome partners.  Whether wrestling mid-life crises or wanting to one-up their friends and business associates (human nature often loves to instill jealousy in others), many men prefer gorgeous trophy wives hanging on their arms.  Such men eschew the more confident, intellectually and emotionally mature women for hard bodies that look perfect when poured into Spandex.   On the opposite side of the coin are the so-called cougars: older women out for young studs to replace the aging nincompoops who tossed them aside for the brainless bimbos.  

In the final analysis, wedding bands are simply adornments for your fingers, indications to the world at large that you hold a marriage license. The reality of the sentiments behind the wedding band lies in one’s actions throughout his or her married life.  A genuine and happy marriage is a lifelong pact that you embrace, respect, and nurture.  Without real love, a wedding band is simply another piece of jewelry.