Why do we keep tripping over the same rug, knocking our knee on the same bedpost, or forgetting to swab the lint out of the dryer trap?  Are we all incompetent imbeciles?  Of course we aren’t.  We view these things are little minor annoyances to be endured until we …

• Take a bad tumble
• Have to ice that knee
• Suffer a fire in the laundry room

So why do we keep committing these easily fixable, rather inane acts?  We do them because it seems easier that way, instead of implementing small, proactive changes.

Household budgets are like that.  We keep “forgetting” to establish and maintain a budget because, let’s face it, it’s a bit painful.  But if we don’t do it, who will?  And how painful will it be in the long term if we don’t, with bill collectors on our tails?  That little devil that lives inside your skull is not going to prod your nether regions with a pitchfork to get you to step up to the plate.  You’ll have to do that.  You’ll have to be responsible for your own finances.  So how do you begin, if you’ve never constructed a budget before?  Here’s how:

1.      The first thing to do is to determine how much guaranteed income you have.  In this economy, “guaranteed” is anything but, but let’s work with what we have, shall we?  Guaranteed income is your salary and/or whatever you may be drawing from a trust fund, if you are so fortunate.  It is not commission based upon sales that may never happen.  It’s not your hopes of winning the lottery, gifts you assume may be forthcoming, bonuses, or even tax return money.  It is financially dangerous to spend money you do not have.   If you hit the lottery or recoup some taxes from Uncle Sam, go pop that champagne cork when and only when those things happen. But literally, don’t bank on these possibilities.

2.      Determine your monthly bills. For most people, these include a mortgage payment, a car payment, insurance, all utilities, and your cable, Direct TV, or FIOS bill.   Don’t forget that your food bill is truly a bill, though you may not view it as such.  This includes meals at home and meals out, as well as whatever pet food you may have to buy.  To reduce the cost of human consumption — that is, what the humans in your house consume; we don’t recommend cannibalism as a cost reducing tactic — consider integrating lower-cost meals into your menus.  You can celebrate the old Campbell’s commercials with soup and a sandwich or revert to childhood with some macaroni and cheese and/or hotdogs.   If you’re really smart, you’ll learn to cook one of the many healthy and delicious vegetarian diets that exist worldwide (Southern Italian and South Indian come immediately to mind).  If you eat meat, watch for sales on the more expensive cuts, or get a cheaper cut and cook it via a slow-cooking method, such as a crockpot.  Eat beans.  They are filling, high in fiber, tasty if cooked inventively, and extremely nutritious.

3.      Really examine your phone bill.  Find out when rates are cheaper, and if possible, make your calls during non-peak hours.  Many people have done away with their landlines (home phones) and rely solely upon their cell phones.  If you have to buy prepaid phone cards before making overseas calls, you’ll have no worries waiting to see what charges you get slapped with when the bill arrives in the mail because … there will be no bill!

If your children require cell phones for emergency purposes, you may wish to invest in the services of a hypnotist, whose charges will be well worth it in the long run. Because most children do not seem to grasp this truth otherwise, they should be hypnotized to understand that cell phones cost money — in fact, a great deal of money, when they are abused for frivolous purposes.   If the kids still don’t get it, go to one of the mega-retailers such as Kmart or Wal-Mart and buy a cell phone for $19.99.  To this, you can add a specified number of phone minutes with a one-time card whose charges vary according to the minutes you wish to buy.  Once the minutes are up, tell your kids you will garnish their allowances if they wish to continue yapping with their friends as to who hates whom, who made googly eyes at them, and the horrendous outfit that Ms. Bowers had the temerity to wear to school today.

If this still doesn’t work, you may wish to toss out their cell phones altogether and have the kiddies micro-chipped, if your vet will do this (if not, bribe the veterinary tech: they can use the money).  About sixty bucks and a very quick, relatively painless insertion of a tiny, programmed chip earns your kid a place in a national registry.  If they are ever lost – the kid, not the chip — technology will find them.   If this approach seems cold and cruel to you, I suggest you take a good look at the cell bills your kids are racking up, and then figure out who’s being cold and cruel to whom.

4.      Of all your bills, always be sure to allocate your rent or mortgage and car payment first.  These are your two most critical bills.

5.      Call the utility companies and arrange for level billing.  This means that you will not be paying astronomical charges for air conditioning in the summer or for heating in the winter; the charges will be leveled out to make them easier for you to manage.

6.      If you work many hours or are not much of a TV watcher, deep six all of the premium channels and enjoy a lower bill each month.  If you see special offers for new customers of whatever service you have (cable, Direct TV, FIOS) and these offers do not apply to existing customers, call the companies and voice your displeasure.  Demand equal time.  You’ll usually receive something off the cost of your bill, or additional services free of charge for a specified length of time.

7.      Don’t forget your clothing budget.  Be sure you have enough for absolute essentials, such as boots and coats for the winter.  Do some research and you can save a bundle on clothes if you’re willing to think outside of the box.  The Goodwill Store, Burlington Coat Factory, Loehmann’s, Daffy’s, TJ Maxx, Marshall’s, K&G, and consignment shops are all good bets for decent clothes and accessories.  The first and last emporiums on this list feature gently worn clothing; the rest sell brand new clothing and accessories, including suits, fragrances, shoes, wallets, and nightwear.

8.      Your rainy day fund should consist of several hundred dollars, at least, and is not to be touched except in the case of a true emergency.  Emergencies encompass the washer breaking down or a flood in your basement.  Emergencies also come in the guise of a relative dying out of town and you having to incur the costs of travel, hotels, and flowers (this actually just happened to a friend of mine).

9.      Man and woman cannot live by bread alone.  Therefore, you must have a bit of an entertainment fund, or you’ll go bonkers … particularly if you are the parent of young children or teenagers.  Rethink this fund to see where you may trim it without winding up in the rubber room.

If you like to read, don’t buy newly printed books; patronize your local library, used book stores, or have a book swap with your friends.  If you like to watch new movies, consider joining NetFlix.   If you enjoy traveling, you may wish to split gas money and a hotel room with one or two very good friends; you’ll be surprised at how much you will save.

Take advantage of the specially priced dinners that many chains are now offering as a hedge against the economy.  Chili’s, Friday’s, Applebee’s, and The Outback come immediately to mind.  These are restaurants where two people who “take human bites” can enjoy a meal for about $20.00 total (appetizer, entree, and a dessert: the latter, to be shared).  Check the restrictions: the special prices may only hold true for certain weekdays.

The late Jim Rohn, American entrepreneur, author, and motivational speaker, said, “You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of.”   This is so true when it comes to our finances.  The government has screwed the average law-abiding citizen, with ridiculously large bailouts to firms that never needed them, and many, many millions of dollars to people displaced overseas by natural disasters.  Meanwhile, our government keeps hollering about trimming the budget!  The only things that get trimmed in this country are jobs for honest people, and hours from those jobs; therefore, we must guard our personal finances carefully and wisely.   Creating a budget is the first step toward that goal.  Sticking to it is the step that accomplishes that objective.