The choice between entering into marriage and remaining unfettered is one of the most serious decisions we will ever make.  While both the heart and the intellect play a role in such decisions, so does another physiological component: hormones.

At the mercy of testosterone, from time immemorial, men have embraced the sport of bed hopping as a rite of passage.  Despite the advent of AIDS and anti-premarital sex campaigns by the Moral Majority, our society still deems it appropriate for men to sow their wild oats before taking marriage vows.  And while some guys like to romp with “loose women” before waltzing down the aisle, their qualifications for wives usually involve less colorful reputations.

By contrast, women who engage in player’s exploits still suffer a stigma.   Our vernacular bears evidence of this: is there a male equivalent for the term “slut,” “skank,” or the currently popular “ho?”  No!  “Don Juan,” the closest male equivalent term carries more than a tad of admiration for the notches on a man’s belt.   Why are women singled out for sexual sainthood and men, not?

Regardless of gender, anyone contemplating marriage vows wonders about sexual compatibility with their intended.   In my eyes, women should enjoy the same rights as men, provided they protect themselves against STD’s (Sexually Transmitted Diseases) and broken hearts.  Plenty of women read commitment into the act of lovemaking.  But sex, to many men, is what a candy bar is to a child: a form of instant gratification.

By contrast, the leap beyond a purely sexual relationship is a huge step.   Maturity and the willingness to “forsake all others” are key factors in the decision to marry.  One never really knows what to expect of married life until after the vows are taken, but there are usually signposts along the way to the altar.  A successful marriage is based, in part, upon the courage and stamina to withstand difficult and other inevitable situations.  These include illness, loss of jobs, the necessity to purchase and maintain a house, the burden of raising children, and the decision to pull up roots and move to a new city for the benefit of the family.  And let’s not forget the age-old conundrum of dealing with the in-laws!  As Bill Cosby once said, “For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.”

To weather these situations, husbands and wives need to maintain frequent, honest, and respectful communication.  Marriage is not just fireworks in the bedroom; it’s the mundane, daily grind as well as emergencies. To prevent love from taking a permanent vacation, both spouses must confront and discuss, in an adult manner, a myriad of issues. Making time for each other is another important factor, for as Robert Dodd postulated, “The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together.”

Marriage is not for everyone. Some people simply enjoy their independence too much to be tied down.   While loneliness is the flip side of this coin, there are advantages to this life style.  These include a sense of accomplishment in supporting oneself, not having to answer to another person, and operating on one’s own schedule.  If the single person is in a relationship and needs to extricate himself or herself from the situation, it’s much easier to do than to go through the process of divorce, which can be lengthy and costly.

Lack of in-laws is another advantage to single life.   Single folks don’t have to adapt to another family’s traditions or peccadilloes, including the perception that the new family member is “not good enough.”  This includes the dreaded Mama’s Boy Syndrome.  It’s a natural and positive thing for a man to be close to his mother, but a guy can go too far in this respect, and so can his mother.  Even the Bible says that, upon marriage, a man shall leave his mother and cleave to his wife.  I think this is good advice.  If a man makes the decision to establish his own family, then it should be his own.  His wife acts as a decision-maker in that family, not the woman who gave birth to him.

Those of us who contemplate marriage can project a fantasy of a neat and orderly home, and a neat and orderly relationship, complete with the white picket fence and 2.3 children.  In my experience, this is particularly true of women.  Some rush into marriage because we fear losing our looks as we age, or fear not being able to have children: factors that can narrow down the choice of potential mates.  Unfortunately, women running scared have yet to understand that, as time goes on in a marriage, one’s looks take a backseat to the genuine emotional support that we get from our husbands.   

Married or single, one thing never changes: life is not always a bowl of cherries.  For those of us who have chosen marriage, I would like to share a poem that I came across, whose author, unfortunately, is unknown.

Recipe for a Happy Marriage

Mix one cup of overflowing love with faith in God and each other.

Never let bitter spirits brew overnight.

Sweeten with laughter and understanding.

Add daily prayer to hold these ingredients together.

Sift with respect and work towards a common dream.

Sprinkle generously with hugs and kisses.

Serve daily with a loving heart.

YIELD: Serves one happy marriage