In the 1958 sci-fi cult classic Queen of Outer Space, four astronauts crash land on the planet Venus, a planet that they discover is populated entirely by hot babes in revealing costumes.  Captured, they soon learn that the planet is ruled by a cruel, masked Queen who has banished men from the planet.  Imprisoned in the palace, they are aided by a beautiful royal attendant (played by Zsa Zsa Gabor) who relates to the crew that the planet’s women long for the love of men and are plotting the overthrow of their Queen. When the crew’s captain has the opportunity to remove the Queen’s mask, he discovers the reason for male banishment from the planet – the Queen is horribly disfigured by radiation burns caused by men and their wars.  In a rage (hell hath no fury like a woman scorned), she determines to destroy Earth.  Dying in the attempt, the women of Mars are free again to enjoy the love of men – yet another happy ending.  If the plot of this movie sounds stupid or like that of a porn flick, it is.

Yet, two tidbits of information that I stumbled upon this week caused me to think of this movie and have confirmed what I have suspected for quite some time:  women are indeed the stronger, more capable sex.  The first of these was the unusual tale of Brianna Amat, a student at Pinckney High School in Michigan who had to be summoned from the locker room at halftime to be named “Homecoming Queen” and led her high school’s team to victory in the same game by kicking the winning field goal.  The second was a cable news network discussion featuring William Bennett and his new book The Book of Man: Readings on the Path to Manhood.

In the discussion, Bennett indicated that studies of teens and twenty-somethings in America indicate that young women today are more capable, competent, and successful than their male counterparts.  He added that if college admissions were determined strictly on merit, our finest universities would be overwhelmingly populated by female students.  Further, following graduation, young women tend to be more motivated, better qualified job candidates.

While it has been well documented that females mature faster than males, this is not an explanation for the current phenomenon.  Even considering the fact that young women today have greater opportunities in education and employment than those of generations past, the disparity in motivational and competency levels appears a trend of more recent evolution.  In my opinion, the explanation is a social one.

It is no secret that young men, more than young women, require structure in their lives.  Left to their own devices, most young men today will spend the bulk of their time on idle pursuits like playing video games.  In generations past, late teen and twenty-something men were faced with the prospects of military service, marriage, or both.  The responsibilities of such commitments forced them to “grow up” more quickly than today’s youth.

Additionally, the breakdown of the institution of marriage in America has left many with a dearth of father figures to help guide them in the development of life skills and appropriate, productive behavior.  Young females are much less reliant on their fathers to provide this type of guidance.

And, while marriage itself is beneficial to both men and women, the structure it provides appears to be more beneficial to young men than young women.  The statistical evidence suggests that young men need this type of structure to motivate them and give their lives purpose, while young women – although they may desire marriage – are better equipped to cope with life in its absence.

And so, it appears that, unless a significant cultural shift occurs, the future belongs to women.  Men may only be required as sperm donors (and, if technological advances permit development of mature artificial sperm in the absence of men, not even for that).  Then, perhaps Earth’s reality will become like that of the fictional Venus in the Queen of Outer Space.

The word freedom brings to American minds the birth of our nation: George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, the Liberty Bell, and the Statue of Liberty.  However, the Merriam Webster Dictionary defines freedom as, “the quality or state of being free,” as associated with slavery, necessity, compliance, no cost, et cetera.  The words liberty, independence, autonomy, and sovereignty number among its synonyms.  No matter what you call it, the feeling of being free is exhilarating.

The opposite of freedom is slavery, an issue over which our nation was once bitterly divided.  We fought a war and lost a President because of it, but we abolished the immoral and un-Constitutional practice of slavery.  There are, however, other types of slavery involving gender rather than the color of one’s skin.  While women in many nations still suffer from gender slavery, American women found a way to break free of these bonds.  They fought for and won the right to vote, be gainfully employed, compete in professional sports, and control what happens to their own bodies rather than allow the government dictate that for them.  American women realized all of these accomplishments while still retaining their ability to bear children, maintain their homes, and build loving families.

These freedoms are a far cry from what many of our female predecessors endured.  The entire task of maintaining the household fell to women, including cooking meals from scratch, cleaning up pots, pans, and dishes, washing and ironing clothing, scrubbing floors, raising children, and of course, keeping the breadwinner — the man — happy.  At night, women fell into bed exhausted and woke up to same old grind all over again.

If all of this sounds exhausting, consider how women have historically accomplished their Herculean chores.  There were no washing machines, only nearby creeks and rocks on which to pound laundry.  Someone later invented the washboard, which, for all intents and purposes, only saved the trip down to the creeks and the rocks.  Old-fashioned elbow grease was needed to use a washboard.  Afterwards, the clothes had to be ironed with a heavy flat iron heated on the stove.  They had to be dampened to keep them from burning, for steam irons were a thing of the future. Jack LaLanne had yet to be born and weight loss equipment had yet to be invented, but in days of old, there was no need for them.  Women kept in shape through their daily drudgery/slavery.

Yes, women have come a long way from their humble beginnings.

When God created the Earth, he populated it with the beasts of the land, the fowl of the air, and the fish of the sea.  In breathing life into these creatures, He made the males of the species the most beautiful, for it was incumbent upon them to attract females in order to propagate each species.  Apparently, this slipped God’s mind when he forged his last creation, Man, who was made in his own image (well, He was working feverishly for six days).  But before God rested on the seventh day, He surveyed what He had created.  He’d found that man, his crowning achievement, was beginning to act like an animal.  “He needs a female to keep him in line,” said God. “Let there be woman!”  And so, Eve came into being.  That’s when God finally let out his breath and said, “This is good!”

But then, Eve tempted Adam to eat the forbidden fruit. This original sin got the lovebirds kicked out of Eden, and we’ve been denied heaven on earth ever since.  Adam was forced to haul his cookies out into the cruel world and bring home the bacon, or maybe the wooly mammoth.   Eve got to stay home and take care of the cave and the kids.  As a result of these unhappy domestic circumstances, women became subservient to men.

Down through the ages, they struggled to be free.  They displayed extraordinary valor in the face of adversity, particularly in America.  In the battle of Monmouth in June of 1778, the wife of Army gunner Private John Hays carried pitchers of water to the gun crew during the heat of battle.  This bravery earned Mary Ludwig Hays McCauley the nickname “Molly Pitcher.”  But Molly’s courage did not end there.  After her husband was wounded in that battle, she took his place behind the gun to keep the British at bay. This made her a Revolutionary War heroine.

Then, there was Betsy Ross, who gave us our national symbol of pride.  The stars on the red, white, and blue flag that she sewed represented the 13 original colonies.

Despite achievements such as these, women could not vote or hold office in any State Before the Civil War.  On November 5, 1872 a group of women attempted to vote in a national election.  For this action, they were jailed and fined.  Among the notables was Susan B. Anthony, who refused to pay her fine, stating, “Resistance to tyranny is obedience to God.”

Twelve years later, in a small church in Seneca Falls, New York, the National Women Rights Group gathered to discuss women’s civil and legal rights.  Dubbed “The Amazons” for their groundbreaking work, the assembly was led by Elizabeth Cody Stanton and Lucretia Coffin Mott.  Their struggle resulted in the passage of laws that empowered women.  The legislation included:

1.  the right to control their own earnings

2.  equal guardianship of children after divorce

3.  the right to maintain and control property

4.  the right to share in the estates of deceased husbands

5.  the right to enter into any occupation or profession, including attorney-at-law.

Finally, in 1919, after many States quibbled, the Congress of the United States of America passed the Susan B. Anthony Amendment of 1872; it was our 19th Amendment. This determined that, “The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied by the United States or any State on account of sex.”  The Amendment became law on August 28, 1920.  It made the U.S. the 27^th country in the world to allow universal suffrage.  In the years to follow, many women contributed to the process of establishing and retaining the hard-won struggles of women in America.

In 1978, President Jimmy Carter honored Susan B. Anthony by placing her likeness on a silver dollar; it was modified from the existing silver dollar by size and weight. On July 2, 1979, the U.S. Mint released the Susan B. Anthony Dollar.  Because of its size, it closely resembled the quarter and that caused confusion among consumers and merchants.  As a result, it was replaced with a gold dollar coin.

During World War II, I saw native women in the Philippines washing clothes by beating them on a large flat rock by a stream.  This scene was indicative of how other countries have kept their women silent and subservient.  American women have led the charge in establishing freedoms for their gender.   But freedom always comes with a price.  There was an old saying, “A man works from sun to sun, but a woman’s work is never done.”  Today’s women have the aid of major appliances to accomplish what were once backbreaking jobs.  But it was a trade off, as more women now suffer from heart attacks and strokes.  And in changing their role as fully functioning members of society, women have become less dependent upon men.  As a result, the divorce rate has escalated and created another trade off:  the fracturing of the family unit.

Perhaps the evolution of the American woman can best be summed up in the words of the Dalai Lama (2006):

“Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.” 

Late in the day yesterday, I ran to a nearby location of a major drugstore chain to pick up two items.  Yesterday, by the way, was Valentine’s Day, 2011.  With my items in hand, I headed toward the cash registers only to pull up short at the greeting card section.

There, men from college age to upper middle age jockeyed for position like pedestrians on New York City’s midtown streets.  At the eleventh hour, these dudes were all hoping to find the perfect card for their sweeties or wives.  The devil made me cast my eye down the aisle, where hundreds of pink and red heart-shaped candy boxes had stood just last week.  That aisle had been picked clean, as if army ants had marched over it.  Instinctively, I hurled, “You guys are all clueless!” at the card jockeys, who ignored me and continued to paw frantically at the greeting cards as if the secrets of life lay within them.

On Valentine’s Day, and on any day of the year, this is not what women want.  The last thing we want is to be relegated to a drugstore card and a total lack of creativity in wooing us.

What then, do women want?

In the film, What Women Want, starring Helen Hunt and Mel Gibson, uber macho Mel’s character is suddenly gifted with the ability to hear women’s thoughts.  This, he sees as a vile curse until a savvy shrink, played by Bette Midler, explains to him that he has won the emotional lottery, and why.  With the ability to hear how women think, Mel’s character gains a genuine understanding of what makes women tick.  Thus, he enters — and cherishes — his first adult relationship with Ms. Hunt’s character.

So … what is it that women want?

First and foremost, like the women in the movie, we want to be respected.  Men, please read that line again, for it’s the not only the truth, it’s the bottom line.

We may tell you that we want to be loved.  And in fact, all normal people, men and women, do wish to be loved by a significant other.  But love without respect is hollow and even dangerous.  Love cannot begin to sprout until we know that we are respected, that our feelings count and are taken into consideration.  Like the women in the movie, we want to be heard — even though we may not feed you guys information directly.

For instance, if we walk around the house muttering, “I need to get the latest Neil Young album, the one he cut with Daniel Lanois, and Robert Plant’s newest outing, too,” we expect you to listen — even though the bills are due and there’s no spare change for Neil, Daniel, or Robert.   We expect you to absorb this information so that, when … oh, say, Valentine’s Day … rolls around, we aren’t presented with compilations of artists whose work we already possess, or a lame box of heart-shaped candy.  We want to tear off the wrapping paper and see Neil, Danny, and Robert.

And if you’re thinking that Neil, Danny, and Robert don’t make very romantic presents, think again.  A present like this means that you have heard us; it means you have honored and granted our wishes.

Sometimes, we don’t want traditional gifts. Sometimes the best present of all is the gift of time.  And the essence of romance, in case you were one of those men elbowing each other out yesterday at the card display, is not hearts and flowers or even dinner out at a fine dining establishment.  The essence of romance is doing something unexpected for your lady, something that will quietly or perhaps not so quietly thrill her.

Under this category falls:

1. Taking your woman to see a “chick flick” that is so not your bag.  Sitting there, actually watching the film, and not grousing about it.

2. Giving her a pedicure (yes, a pedicure), just after you hand her a cup of her favorite tea, unasked.

3. Going for a ride on a sunny day in an area largely untouched by man, when your idea of a grand ole time is to bat around a bucket of golf balls on the range.  Packing a picnic for her, as an added surprise.  Oh, for heaven’s sake … call the local deli and have them do it, and then just go pick it up!

4. Cooking dinner, serving her, cleaning up, and doing it all with a smile

5. Telling her, “Yes, my mother is completely insane.  I must have been left on the doorstep by elves,” when your woman rails yet again about some slight you know was intended, delivered by your dear old mom … because you know your dear old mom!

6. Reliving a childhood memory for her and with her; i.e., visiting the zoo where her daddy used to take her to when she was little, flying a kite by the water, or dressing up for Halloween, even though you both may be staring retirement age (whatever that is, now) squarely in the face.  

All of these things, and so many more, spell R-E-S-P-E-C-T.   To quote the wise lyrics belted out and immortalized by Aretha Franklin, “R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Find out what it means to me.”

Hey, respect does not mean cussing me out for airing this article the day after Valentine’s Day!  Print it out, keep it close at hand, and refer back to it when necessary.  Yeah, I know, that paper is going to be as wrinkled as your great Aunt Teresa’s face.  Don’t worry about it; it’s only paper … it’s not a human heart.   Paper is made to spindle, fold, and manipulate; human hearts are not.  Refer back to this advice, and you can make many days during the year unofficial Valentine’s Days for your lady — who will, in turn, shower you with lots of love and respect. 

A diamond ring placed upon the finger of your loved one speaks of your eternal commitment to her.  A most precious gem, indeed, the hardest substance known to man, the jewel itself is a symbol of the strength of your love.  Given a diamond’s significance, then, why would you purchase such a ring via the Internet?  The answer is – you would make your purchase online if it were backed by the purveyor’s unwavering quality, the guaranteed lowest possible prices, and continuous commitment to World Class service.

www.since1910.com has been, and is, that vendor.

A New York based, family-owned business passed down with great pride from generation to generation, since1910.com is a member of the esteemed AGS (American Gem Society).  This status assures that the company operates under the most stringent guidelines pertaining to business practices and integrity, as it has for the past 100 years.  The Retail Jewelers of America, The New York State Jewelers Association, and the Better Business Bureau are but three of the organizations to which the company belongs.

since1910.com has simplified the selection of diamond engagement rings and diamond eternity rings even as it ensures a very personalized shopping experience.  For those who prefer an engagement rings’ design your own approach, the company happily accommodates that preference.  The choices of cut (shape) are diverse and the quality of the gems reflects a wide price range.  For those who prefer to meet their certified gemologists in person, customers are welcome to visit the company’s brick-and-mortar location in Garden City (Long Island), New York.

Standing by its promise of offering the lowest possible prices, the company offers a 7-day competitors’ match on pricing as well as free shipping and free returns within 30 days.  As clear as a diamond, there is no better source for breathtakingly beautiful diamond rings that speak from the heart of the giver to the heart of the happy recipient. 

Why did the old sit-com Happy Days carve a permanent place in the hearts of so many Americans?  Was it because the writing was hilarious or the acting brilliant?  Or was it something else?  My money’s on “something else.”  I think we loved stepping back in time to a simpler, gentler day – an era in which crew-cut boys took girls in poodle skirts to malt shops, ordered burgers and shakes, and picked up the tab.  Now, such scenes are the stuff of nostalgia; the rules of who pays for a date are not so clearly defined.

Chivalry may be dead, but chivalry had little to do with changing those rules.  The blame, if we can call it that, lies with the emergence of the feminist movement and a much healthier economy than the one in which we’re currently wallowing.  Under these circumstances, women entered the workforce in far greater numbers than their mothers and grandmothers. They generated disposable incomes.  Decades later, despite a sinking economy, women retain their independence.  This means, in part, that they are accustomed to sharing the expenses of dating.

The price of dinner for two in a fine dining establishment is costly, particularly if a bottle of wine accompanies the meal.  And even casual dining can put the pinch on you.  In Richie’s and Fonzie’s day, a great burger consisted of the usual suspects: a beef patty, a bun, lettuce, tomato, maybe a slice of onion and/or American cheese, and depending upon your preference, ketchup and/or mustard.  Now, gourmet burgers have invaded the land.  Replete with ingredients such as avocado, mushrooms, jalapenos, and wasabi, they carry higher price tags.

If you’re starting out in a relationship, the process of dating can break your bank.   You can avoid this with a little common sense and imagination.  You already knew something about the object of your affection before you asked him or her out; use that information.  If, for instance, she likes art, take her to an exhibit; the entrance fees to museums are still do-able on most budgets. County fairs are usually inexpensive as are zoos, and a walk in a park or along a beach are free.  Dates such as these allow you to spend quality time with the other person, and quality time means that you’ll get to know him or her better.

I fondly recall my parents speaking of their youthful dating experiences.  My mom’s idea of a good time was to go to the Dairy Queen for a burger and fries, followed by a small vanilla cone. While she was thrilled to be out anywhere with my dad, he often teased her about trying something else on the menu. He never understood why she always ordered a burger and fries.  To this day, he’s not sure if this truly was really her favorite dish, or if she was just being considerate of his budget.  Whatever it was, these simple dates provided the stage upon which my parents fell in love, married, and had my siblings and me!

I think that most guys are probably pretty happy to meet sensible gals.  Men have a tendency to overspend when attempting to impress a beautiful girl.  Maybe this is a holdover from prehistoric times, when cavemen had to literally bring home the bacon.  Or maybe men overspend on a date with the hope of “getting lucky.”   But not everybody “gets lucky,” and I don’t just mean in bed.  It can be disheartening to spend your hard earned money on a fancy date and not have a good time.  By the sharing the expenses on a less than thrilling time, both parties can walk away feeling a little better.

The whole idea of paying your own way illustrates a great deal of  maturity, including respect for the other person.  Sharing the costs symbolizes an interest in sharing other things.  But, like most things in life, the costs associated with dating are neither black nor white.   If one person is caught short of cash a time or two, the other one can pitch in, and vice versa if the shoe ever turns up on the other foot. Freeloaders are rarely appreciated by either gender.

As the old saying goes, “Sharing is caring.”

In the mid-twentieth century, economists took note of a correlation between the length of women’s skirts and the economy.  They observed that when consumer confidence was high, the length of women’s skirts became shorter in proportion to the level of consumer enthusiasm.  Conversely, as women’s skirts lengthened, consumers grew fearful and the economic outlook gloomy.

Today, women’s fashion trends have become much more diverse.  The variety of sizes, styles, fabrics, patterns, and designers can be overwhelming for the shopper, as can finding the right outfit at the right price.

Fortunately, shoppers today have ShopWiki.co.uk, the online fashion shopping Mecca for today’s fashionistas.  Unlike other online shopping sites, ShopWiki does not offer merchandise from just one designer or store, or for that matter 1,000 stores.  It allows shoppers to view the entire range of product selections from more than 30,000 online venues and provides helpful fashion information.  This permits today’s fashion shopper to find the exact fashion item or accessory that she is seeking at the absolute lowest price.

And, getting the best price is even more critical in today’s uncertain economic climate.  In fact, for those of us victimized by the global economic downturn, we long for the return of the micro mini skirt and a robust economy.

Just about half a century ago, The Kinsey Report, the runaway primer “Everything You’ve Always Wanted to Know about Sex but Were Afraid to Ask,” and the Free Love movement all brought sex from its hiding place in the bedroom out into the open.  Ricky and Lucy slept in separate beds, but the Brady Bunch parents cheerfully shared a queen-sized bed and were often filmed cuddling in it.   Two decades later, Jerry Seinfeld and his friends struggled to retain control as “masters of their domain” — and mistress, in Elaine’s case.  They’d laid odds on which of them would emerge the winner, or perhaps the loser, considering the nature of the bet.

Today, we have Brad Benson blathering at us during drive time.  In case you’ve been living in a cave, Mr. Benson is the guy who thinks that airing his sexual activities to the public — or alleged lack thereof — is the just impetus needed to drive his dealership’s sales in a lagging economy.  The only thing it makes me drive is the knob on the radio, right into the Off position.

Sex can be intimate, profound, procreative, tender, sobering, terrifying, intimidating, a helluva lot of fun, and downright hilarious.  Ultimately, it’s a private act usually entered into between two people.  If the literature and mores of the ’60s, ’70s, and pre-AIDS ’80s flung sexual convention out the window, did they give rise to the disturbing trend of strangers discussing sex, out of the blue, with other strangers and thus intruding upon very private territory?

A veteran of a career spent in customer service leaves me pondering this question.  Recently while at work, I was waiting on a man purchasing lottery tickets.  After we’d conducted the transaction, I found him staring at me.  When I asked if he needed something else, his astounding reply was, “How is your love life?”  Stunned, I could only stammer out, “I-It’s okay.”   He just nodded and left the store.  I can’t fathom whether he was looking for a hot date or just using me as the guinea pig in some shock value experiment.  Talking to a cashier in this manner is not only inappropriate, it can be downright frightening if you are the cashier!    

Another incident occurred several years ago, in another customer service position.  I used to talk to a certain customer on a regular basis.  Throughout our many conversations, it came to light that his sister was gay.  She used to stop by with him once in awhile but had never made any advances toward me. Then one day, her brother said, “My sister really likes you and wants to have a relationship with you.”   More than a little freaked out, I just said, “That’s not the way that I fly, so no thanks!”  Things were never really the same afterward, as I was nervous around that particular customer.

Sometimes, it goes beyond words.  Some folks uninhibited by their bodies, and I suppose by sex in general, join nudist colonies.  Europeans seem to do a better job of accepting this way of life than do Americans (our Puritanical roots must be showing).  While nude beaches are no big deal in European cultures, it’s not usual to find such beaches in the U.S.  The idea of exposing our bodies for all to see does not sit well with the majority of us.  As teenagers, the most risqué proposition my friends and I received and made were dares to go skinny-dipping in the local swimming hole.  In the cities, I understand that Strip Poker was the expedient equivalent for curious adolescents.

Of course, there was always streaking.  This bygone craze is the art of running as fast as you can, buck-naked, in a public place; fast enough to evade The Man, that is, waiting to slap a pair of handcuffs on you and read you your rights.  Streaking always seemed obscene to me.  I was nervous about a man seeing me naked in the appropriate situation, let alone running down the street, presenting my wares to the general public!  I do recall once that my more outgoing sister did it.  She proceeded to run down an alley one moonlit night in her birthday suit.  I don’t know for sure if anyone saw her, but if it had been me, I’d have been mortified wondering if I were the talk of the town the next morning.  Streaking began innocently enough as a way of garnering attention at a public event, such as college sports game.  Nowadays, the act might earn you a stay in the slammer as a sex offender.  PeeWee Herman may have faired better had he simply streaked!

But nothing stops Hollywood. I blush to even think of some of the titles of current and recent films, including Spanking the Monkey and Mr. Woodcock.  And let’s not forget the small screen.  Sex and the City sealed and then pushed the envelope that daytime soap operas merely licked.  Oh, to return to the days of innocence when the title of a sit-com like Leave it to Beaver had but one connotation.

The public’s fascination with sex, and how it expresses that fascination, has certainly evolved.  Elvis was shot from the waist up for his debut on the Ed Sullivan show.  His well-oiled hips were deemed too risqué for a family oriented show.   Decades later, when Tom Cruise left his initial mark upon Hollywood by dancing around in his tighty whities for the movie Risky Business, it was a bit of a shock.   America wasn’t used to seeing young men shimmy-shimmy-shake their bits and pieces on the silver screen.

Nudity for women, however, or partial nudity, was much more widely accepted, but it did take a while.  Once we got over the hurdle of a little thing like two centuries standing between the original design of the bikini and its glorification in the song, Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini, we were home free and so were our belly buttons!  But it wasn’t always so.

In one of the episodes in the original Star Trek series, the censors had a conniption over a pink, gilt-edged toga worn by the beautiful Leslie Parrish, who played Engineer Scotty’s love interest.  As Gene Roddenberry stated, “there was only girl under that toga.”  To placate the censors, he’d directed the show’s costume designers to sew fishing weights into the hem of that part of the toga that was tossed over Lesley’s otherwise bare back.  And Major Nelson may have liberated Barbara Eden’s Genie, but the censors forbade the actress to bare her navel on the small screen.

Modern-day musical singers such as Christina Aguilera, Katy Perry, Lady GaGa, Madonna, and Rhianna, not to mention the aptly named Pussycat Dolls, would laugh at this modesty of days not so long gone by.  Although some of these ladies are talented singers, they still use the sex angle in a blatant and unoriginal attempt to pump up their sales.  Even Miley Cyrus of Disney Channel’s Hannah Montana fame has gotten into the act.  During this past season of American Idol, Lady Gaga performed her new song Alejandro.  It was a mini porn show.  So much for family entertainment, huh?  Aguilera unveiled her new song Woo Hoo at  the MTV Awards, wearing a neon heart over her own woo hoo.  Too bad she’d left that heart at home when she sang at the American Idol finale this past May.  Her panties and their contents (hind end) were on full display and the cameras did nothing to pan away from those contents.  Katy Perry’s new video California Gurls focuses on two plumes of smoke wafting up from the area of her breasts.  Katy is the daughter of two pastors and Lady GaGa had a strict Catholic upbringing.

Sex may sell, titillate, and shock us.  But will we ever reach the point of saturation?  Have we already reached that point?  What do you think?  Is there a happy medium when dealing with the subject of sex in public forums, or is it simply a matter of anything goes?

Dating is the process by which one person gets to know another better.  It begins with physical attraction, for if the parties are not attracted to each other, what is the point of dating?   Because it is often hard to hard to judge a book by its cover, and because even the prettiest and most handsome looks fade, it is imperative to take the time to look beyond a person’s appearance if one wishes to forge a happy, long-term relationship.  A healthy sexual relationship is wonderful, but if it is the sole glue holding you together, that bond will crumble sooner or later.

A critical factor in any relationship is the treatment that you receive from the other party.  Do you communicate well?  Do you talk about meaningful issues?  Does he genuinely respect you?  Does she view your aspirations and opinions as valid?  Do you judge each other based upon peripherals, or are you able to grasp a deeper view of each other?

For instance, many men seem to enjoy expensive cars, and many women are drawn to such men.  If we discard the theories about what cars are supposed to be extensions of, a woman is apt to assume that any man who can afford a pricey vehicle has a large disposable income and so, will treat her generously when dating.  Some people, however, live beyond their means just to impress others.  On the other hand, there are guys who prefer well-used vehicles because they simply like the cars, they prefer to spend their money on more important things, or wish to save for future needs.  Just because they drive an older car, it does not necessarily mean that they are strapped for cash.

It’s exciting to fly away to an exotic locale for fun, expensive weekend dates.  But unless your love interest was born with a silver spoon in his or her mouth, this is not going to be the norm over the course of your relationship.  Simpler pursuits can provide you with genuine quality time together: the time that you need to get to know each other and understand if you are truly compatible.  In keeping it real, you can take turns cooking dinner for each other, munching popcorn while enjoying a rented movie, going fishing, or taking long walks together.

After spending a little quality time together, it will become apparent as to whether or not you are forging a true connection.  And it won’t take long, if you’re honest with yourself.  Infatuation can be fleeting; what remains beneath and beyond a person’s gift-wrapping is what is real.  Before you take marriage vows with that person, he or she will demonstrate the very sentiments in those vows.  Your partner will stand by you and support you when you most need it, through the loss of your job, illness, or any other hurdle placed in your path.  Remember how, as a kid, you hated to eat sandwiches unless your mom had cut off the crusts on the bread?  Well, people are like sandwiches.  To know someone properly, we have to look beyond the exterior to see what is inside.

A beautiful description of true love can be found in the words of St. Augustine, further embellished in the 2001 film, Captain Corelli’s Mandolin. Starring Nicholas Cage, Penelope Cruz, John Hurt, and Christian Bale, the film takes place in Europe during World War II.  In the tale, a fisherman leaves his home to fight with the Greek army while his fiancé, who is left behind, begins to fall in love with a local Italian commander:

“Love is a temporary madness.  It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.  Because this is what love is.  Love is not breathlessness.  It is not excitement; it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion.  This is just “being in love,” which any of us can convince ourselves we are.  Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.  Your mother and I had it.  We had our roots that grew toward each other underground.  And when all of the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches, we found that we were one tree and not two.”

To cultivate the growth of such a beautiful tree, don’t try so hard.  Don’t force love, for real love refuses to be forced.  Keep your heart open to the one who will hold you when you cry, laugh at your bad jokes, and slay your dragons, the one who will allow, without reservation, you the “me time” that you need now and then, the one who trusts you, the one that you trust above every other soul on Earth.  This is the person with whom you’ll want to spend the rest of your life.  Forget the fantasies and fairy tales of love that you may have pursued.  Just love and be loved.  Therein lies your true happiness.

Recently, I observed a wild bird that had accidentally gotten trapped inside a storage room at work.  As it sought frantically for a way out, it emitted a high-pitched chirp that seemed eerily like a scream emanating from deep within its soul.  The bird’s eyes darted about the room, seeking an escape route.  Its little heart was surely racing and fluttering wildly; it must have been wondering if that day was to be its last day of survival.  Mistrustful of my helping hands and those of my co-workers as we attempted to return it the great outdoors, the winged creature desperately attempted to find a safe place to roost and hide.  Finally, we caught the little bird and set it free.  It was wonderful to see the bird spread his wings and fly out into clear blue skies, once again at peace.

Immediately after this experience, a thought came to my mind.  I realized that a helpless abused person must feel very much like that trapped bird. 

If you are caught up in such a situation, or know of someone who is, your circumstances or theirs is one of extreme peril.  Unfortunately, many who dole out physical violence can go a step too far and take the life of the victim who puts up with the abuse.  And if the abuse is of the emotional/mental variety, the victim carries scars that, although unseen, wreck havoc upon his or her psyche; under such treatment, victims are never truly at peace.   They come to see themselves as unworthy of love and respect, which is a terrible fallacy.

If you are wondering whether or not you are being verbally abused, there are certain signs that are as clear as the colors on a traffic light.  Anyone who, on a regular basis, spews out words of hatred or constantly blames every negative happenstance on you is a verbal (emotional) abuser.  He will attempt to demolish your self-esteem in an effort to feel superior to you, for he is an adult version of a schoolyard bully.

While such abusers do not want their own flaws unmasked, shining a light upon your imperfections seems to make them feel ten feet tall.  There is not one single truly perfect person in this world, so don’t let a sorry excuse for a human being trample your inner soul.  So what if you are not the absolutely perfect cook or housekeeper? So what if you are a bit overweight or don’t look like a movie star?  Will the world truly come to an end if you burned the roast, let a little dust slide, or will never be mistaken for Angelina Jolie?

Since everyone wants to be loved by someone else, emotions can sometimes interfere with the rational thought process that would carry you far from the reach of the abuser.  Emotional cruelty should never be taken lightly, for it is the worst kind of blackmail.  When someone threatens that something terrible will happen if you leave a bad relationship, this is not love!  It is manipulation, pure and simple.  It is a desperate attempt to keep you in their clutches.  Threatening to commit suicide is another form of emotional blackmail.  No one should be so emotionally vested in another human being that they are willing to take their own life, if the other person walks out on the relationship.

If your partner becomes too obsessive with you, it is a clear signal that physical or emotional danger lies just around the bend.  Obsessive behavior manifests as wanting to know your every move, monitoring your phone calls, disapproving of your good friends and the time that you spend with them, accusing you of cheating when you have been faithful, exhibiting jealousy for no apparent reason, trying to tell you how to dress, and wanting to be in control in all aspects of the relationship.  If there is a history of abuse in the family (i.e., if your husband’s father hit his mother), there is a good chance that your husband will display the same type of behavior.  After all, he saw it as he was growing up; he may have been conditioned to think that this is acceptable behavior.  Sadly, he may actually think that this is the way to keep his loved ones close to him!

Physical abuse is something that no one should have to experience: no woman, no man, and certainly no child.   Beating someone to within an inch of his or her life is treatment that should never be condoned.  Time and again, statistics have shown that once an abuser hits you for the very first time, the odds are high that he will do it again and again and again, unless you take action to protect yourself.

Hurting animals is a very, very bad omen of things to come.  Numerous studies conducted and published by national animal protection agencies as well as licensed psychotherapists have linked animal abuse to the maltreatment of human beings.

If you do find yourself in a bad situation and you feel it will only get worse, for your own sake, create a getaway plan.  The initial decision to liberate yourself from a dangerous entanglement can be very tough.  You can find yourself weighing the security of a roof over your head, and your material possessions, against the fear of leaving the abuser.  Once you come to the honest realization that your health and emotional/mental well-being are the most critical factors in your life, you will be better positioned to make the decision to leave.

With respect to your getaway plan, sock away some money in a safe place, preferably not your home; do this a little at a time, if necessary.   If you have to run, there may be no time to get the cash out of the house and, if the abuser is obsessive/jealous, he may very well go through your personal effects to find and steal your money!  Remember that credit cards can be traced, so amass a cash resource for your getaway. Keep your car keys in a place where you can find them quickly.  It is not the wise to run to the home of a friend or relative, as that is the first place that the abuser will hunt you down. 

If possible, record any threats that are made against you.  While the recording may not be admissable in court due to entrapment laws, it can be useful in obtaining a restraining order against your abuser.  Although restraining orders are not a panacea, if you apply for one, there will at least be a formal record filed with the police concerning the abuse perpetrated upon you by your significant other.

Stand firm in your resolve to leave.  Your very life may depend upon it; surely, your self-esteem does.  Prepare to receive what will sound like sincere apologies, tears, and oh yes, flowers from the person making your life miserable.  Know that he will not change.  He lacks the resources to do so unless he seeks and takes to heart professional counseling.  And even as he maneuvers through counseling, you will not — and may, in fact, never be — safe around them.  He will have broken your trust as he sought to break your spirit.

If you have been tortured on any level, mental or physical, it is difficult to move past this type of treatment unless you yourself seek healing through a licensed psychotherapist.  If you balk at one-on-one counseling, you may very well find solace in group counseling.  There is no shame upon you for having been abused; the shame rests with he who used his fists against you, and he who cut you down to size for the sole purpose of feeling more important and secure.

Should you sincerely believe that your relationship is worth saving even after the abuse, you may have to live part from the abuser for a while until his issues are resolved.  But, you don’t have to deal with the pain alone.

It is not easy to come to terms with abuse, but it is harder to continue to take it, day in and day out.  Don’t be that trapped bird fluttering its wings against a closed windowpane.  Don’t wait like a scuttling insect, to be squashed by a size twelve shoe.

If it helps you, recite the Serenity Prayer.  This prayer has helped many gain the strength to carry on when they thought it was impossible.  For others who want a more solid assurance, please call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can, and

The wisdom to know the difference.

Another prayer that you may find useful as you plan to reclaim your sanity and self-esteem was written by a man of great faith, Reinhold Niebuhr:

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make all things right,

If I surrender to His Will.

That I may be reasonably happy in this life, and

Supremely happy with Him,

Forever in the next.

Amen 

Down through the ages, men have forsaken their possessions, ideals, and nobility for lust.  The David who slew the mighty giant was felled by Bathsheba; Antony’s heart was enslaved to Cleopatra.  The long list of horny toads continues until the present day.  It includes such clods as former New York Governor Spitzer, actor Charlie Sheen, and the Uncrowned King of All Cheaters, Tiger Woods.

When harmless flirtations grow into uncontrollable desires, a man’s logic flies out the window, leaving temporary or permanent insanity in its wake.  Men of wealth and power, including heads of State, act upon the credo that “to the victor go the spoils.”  But men in lower economic strata are just as guilty as their more fortunate brethren of sticking their … noses … where they don’t belong.  So why do they do it?  Why risk everything for instant gratification?

Obviously, physical attraction plays a role in a man’s infidelity.  Loneliness and unhappiness with one’s current mate are also contributing factors.  But the fallout is profound, for women are equipped with radar far keener than ours.  Just ask any teenager who, from hard experience, knows that his mother has eyes in the back of her head.  Women never fail to read the warning signs of a cheater.  These are not limited to excuses for not showing up on holidays or other special occasions, a sudden inclination to work out at the gym, or the urge to touch up their grays with Just for Men.

Once nailed, married players can lose their wives, their children, and depending upon which States they call home, their property.  On top of this comes the legal necessity to shell out alimony and child support.  Single men who step out risk losing their original partners and compromising their new (cheating) relationships.   But not even these potentialities stop them from sleeping around.

While the most intelligent minds of our society have failed to uncover the reason that men cheat, a fictional character in the movie Moonstruck may have provided the answer.  In the film, Mrs. Castorini, played by Olympia Dukakis, asked  Johnny Cammareri (Danny Aiello) why men need more than one woman.  Johnny explained, “When God made woman, he took a rib from Adam and made Eve.  That left a big hole where that rib was, and man would never feel complete until he got it back.”  Mrs. Castori then asked, “Why then, would a man need more than one woman?”  His response was “I don’t know.  Maybe it’s because he fears death.”  She cracked, “That’s it?  Thank you for answering my question!”

Although Dukakis’ character was frustrated by this answer, Aiello’s character may have hit upon the underlying cause of male fidelity.  If men are afraid of dying, they want to leave something behind them, something that is truly theirs.  And nothing says “truly theirs” as much as a child.  So if one child fits the bill, imagine the benefits of multiple children.   Since women usually carry one child at a time, the wider the farmland, so to speak, in which a man sows his oats, the more children he’s likely to produce.  They may not carry his name, but they will carry his genes: that which makes him unique.   So.  Is it fear, after all, or is it ego that compels us to cheat?

And if it is fear or ego that drives men, what does this say about women?

Does it suggest that women are stronger than us, emotionally stronger?  I think it does.  Women carry, birth, and for the most part, rear the babies; no small feat.  If the ladies do their job well, the babies grow up to propagate our species.  Therefore, as in the animal kingdom, females have to be stronger, faster, and smarter than males.  Our very survival depends upon this.

If women are stronger, faster, and smarter than we are, why do they put up with us at all?   Are they, in the final analysis, just baby-making machines?  And is this why we cheat: to search for some meaning to our lives beyond our biology?  If man is the most intelligent creature on the planet, why do we emulate the hamster on the ever-spinning wheel?  Why do we run in place, make the same mistakes over and over again, and alienate the most beautiful and desirable thing that God ever created: woman?