J-Day: May 21, 2011

Posted on 06 May 2011



In spite of all the hoopla about a government shutdown, the need to balance the budget, Presidential birth certificates, and who shot Osama Bin Ladin, both the media and the White House have been eerily silent about J-Day.


The only hint I have seen of this prophesied event of the Second Coming of Jesus, to render judgment upon the world, has been in articles posted on writeonnewjersey.com, articles that have created a firestorm of controversy. Otherwise, the silence is deafening.  It boggles my mind that no one else is interested in this literally Earth-shattering prediction.  If it does come to pass and Jesus pulls the plug on us, there will be no need to worry about paying back our debts to the Chinese or even the banks underwriting our credit cards. You know, it almost sounds like heaven!


According to the sagacious Father Guido Sarducci, when the end comes you will have to pay for your sins.  At the final judgment, we will each receive an endowment of $15,000 dollars to pay for our sins.  Not much of an endowment, I’ll admit, but Father Sarducci preached to the faithful decades ago, before Chevy Chase was forced to make those awful “vacation” movies and before rampant inflation besieged us all.


The good Father also explained that each sin will be assigned a monetary value.  Small sins, such as self-gratification, or what the Church would call self-abuse, can cost a mere 35 cents. But depending upon how often you indulge yourself, that 35 cents can add up exponentially, running into hundreds if not thousands of dollars.  More serious sins, such as stealing or adultery, carry a heftier price.  And the ultimate sin — murder — can run into the millions.  So, you see, that $15,000 will not cover much if you have lived a wicked life.


What, then, will befall, the truly wicked if they cannot pay the piper?  Will they end up impaled or have strawberries growing out of their nether-regions, as do the pitifully damned in the paintings of Bosch?  Will they be forced to watch re-runs of “Charles in Charge?”  Will they be compelled to listen to Lindsay Lohan’s album, or worse, her incessant excuses to the judge?   Quake now with fear, for the answer is “No!”  The punishment will be far worse than you may imagine.


According to Father Sarducci, if you should run out of money, you will be sent back to Earth in order to increase your income (and in this economy, that sounds like hell to me).  However, you will not be returned as the same person you were when you quit this earth.  Wicked people return as nuns, sewer workers, or (shudder!) Star Jones.


Of course, if God turns out to be related to Charles Darwin, the Second Coming would herald a return to nature.  We could swing blithely through the trees in the canopy, gorging ourselves on fruits and veggies and crying, “Brad Pitt!” or “Angelina!” rather than “Tarzan!” or “Jane!” and alternately calling for Chunky Monkey ice cream and hot fudge sauce to go with all of those bananas.  In light of the economy, this might even be a step up for some, but certainly, not the end of the world.


So why isn’t the good news of our imminent demise being spread?  Is Big Oil or Wall Street trying to cash in before the s**t hits the fan?  Or is J-Day but a myth conjured up by certain religious leaders of the world in the hope of scaring their followers into donating their wealth as repentance?


Only time will tell, and we’re running out of time.  Forewarned, as they say, is forearmed.  On the 20th of May, if the White House or the news media interrupts your TV viewing with a special announcement before midnight, you can put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye! 






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