Today’s Technical Wonders

Posted on 16 September 2009


Outhouse

In our rapidly advancing world, technology, like Prometheus, has become unbound.  Surgeries performed with robots, human thought waves navigating wheelchairs, and stem cell research sparking medical miracles are but a few of the wonders no longer on the horizon but in our very laps.

 

“Necessity is the mother of invention” or so goes the old adage.  Tires made of coal tar were invented during World War ll when rubber became virtually inaccessible.  Penicillin was created during the same global conflict  to combat intensified germs, and the invention of plastics changed the future of America.   The space age ushered in new technologies, including single computers that once filled entire rooms.  A blink of an eye later on the evolutionary scale, computers were everyman’s, and every woman’s constant desktop companions.

 

In 2009, we are learning how to survive in space.  This scenario, of course, brings up the, er, matter of human waste in space; specifically, what to do with it .  While the problem seems elementary — we could simply jettison said matter from the spacecraft and let it float amongst the stars, as per the lyrics of a certain Frank Sinatra tune — this solution might create a problem if all of that stuff crashed into the Hubbell telescope.  Then we’d have a twisted version of an old Dean Martin song, “When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie …!”

 

So, we cannot simply sling it, as we have been accustomed for lo, these million of years since man first walked upright.   Well, we could, but we have become a race of recyclers.  Certainly there must be a use for all of it.  We have no use for it in our legislative houses, so now that we’re about to inhabit outer space, some pundit has come up with the solution: we will recycle our own waste matter!  TPTB (The Powers That Be, for those of you still stuck in those room-sized computers) have discovered that astronauts cannot only recycle their urine, they can make it palatable (and yes, you just read that correctly).   Having overcome that particular hurdle (gulp!), it should be a mere skip and a jump until we find out how to do the same with our solid waste.

 

This would solve the food and drink problem out in the stratosphere, and right here for those of us still (unlike Prometheus) earthbound, we too could partake in this new type of, er, feast.  We could even fortify it with necessary vitamins to sustain life on earth.  As most Americans inhale more than their share of supplements for good health, not to mention overeat like weasels (do weasels overeat?), America can truly become the breadbasket of the world.  Once this recycled waste matter program takes hold, we can obliterate famine and thirst worldwide. Obesity would be nonexistent as who in heck would ask for second helpings?   Vegetarians will rejoice, not to mention the animals, as no winged, hoofed, or furred creatures need be slaughtered to create nutrients or even a great barbeque.

 

The most current marketing techniques could be employed to promote the new food source.  Recycled urine could be named “Old Yeller” and recycled waste could be named “Prima Crappa” in four delicious flavors: Plain, Onion. Garlic, and Con Queso.

 

As we look to the future, we can see that there are no limits to the new ideas that will broaden our horizons and extend our lives here on this planet and well beyond it. . Old phrases will be redefined.  ”Man cannot live by bread alone,” “You are what you eat,” and “One man’s food is another man’s poison” will have take on meaning.   Not to mention, when we tell our irksome neighbors with the utmost of certainty,  “You are full of s**t”, they can quip back, “No lie, baby, no lie!” 





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2 Responses to “Today’s Technical Wonders”

  1. Constipated Ed says:

    Great Article, it touches the soul of man. After reading this article I thought about another eye catching marketing slogan “Not a fart in a carload” This article could generate more slogans from your readers with a sense of humor.

  2. mae says:

    Quite an interesting concept but not to appealing.
    I did get a chuckle from your article though.


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